Why do I become a different person under stress?
This is something I hear often in my work.
People tell me that, when they are calm, they are able to communicate clearly, think things through and respond in ways that feel aligned with who they are.
Yet under stress, they become reactive, controlling, withdrawn or emotionally overwhelmed.
It can feel as though stress turns us into a different person.
I don't think that's what is happening.
As the nervous system moves into higher levels of activation, its priorities begin to change.
Rather than supporting reflection, creativity or connection, it becomes increasingly organised around protection.
As this happens, our access to choice begins to narrow.
The ability to pause, tolerate uncertainty, consider different perspectives or stay connected to ourselves and others becomes less available.
Instead, the nervous system falls back on responses that, at some point in our lives, helped us navigate the world.
Often, our intentions remain the same.
We still want to respond with patience, openness or care, but temporarily lose access to the capacities that support those intentions.
At other times, something else happens.
As activation increases, the nervous system doesn't only influence how we respond.
It also shapes how we perceive and interpret what is happening around us.
We may begin to see the present through the lens of past experiences, assigning familiar meanings to situations before we have fully taken them in.
This is one way of understanding projection.
Rather than responding to what is actually unfolding, we begin responding to what our nervous system expects to find.
When this happens, our intentions can shift as well.
We may move into defence, withdrawal or attack, not because these responses reflect our deepest values, but because they make sense within the reality our nervous system has constructed in
that moment.
This is why I think it can be so helpful to understand healing not only as learning new ways of responding, but also as reducing the load the nervous system is carrying.
As that load gradually decreases, and as new experiences become integrated, we recover access to a wider range of capacities.
We become better able to distinguish what belongs to the present from what belongs to the past.
Have you noticed becoming a different version of yourself under stress?
What changes first: your thoughts, emotions, or behaviour?